A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
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