my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
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