The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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