I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
