hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
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