i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
When did we convert life to cartoon?
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Randomize
