Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
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