Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
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