my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
