Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Randomize
