never play flip cup with pint glasses
I am midnight drunk by noon
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
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