Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
