I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
