It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
how drunk are you?
Several
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
