Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
