i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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