When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
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You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
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I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
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