btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
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