Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
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