I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
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