saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
