I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
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