So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
you will always have a special place in my vag
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
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