It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
