I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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