Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Randomize
