So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
