I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
