i was born a porn star she said
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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