1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
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