The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Randomize
