My friends, they love my intelligence
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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