Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Randomize
