I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
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