Dub. In the bra. Dub in the bra.
What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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