you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Randomize
