So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
