Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
Randomize
