Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
two words...techno handjob
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Randomize
