How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
