I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
