Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
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