I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Randomize
