Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Randomize
