hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
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