I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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