Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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