are you still at the devil's house?
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
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