So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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