Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
