Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
