Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Randomize
