I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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