Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
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