I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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