Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
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