Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Randomize
