3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
Randomize
