Whod you bang
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Randomize
