DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
time to smoke my breakfast
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
